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Helping someone you love
Watching it happen to your daughter, your sister or your friend is its own kind of awful. Here is what actually helps.
From the National Domestic Violence Hotline
Nine things that help
Glenn and Claudia keep this list because it is the one they wish everyone around Nicole had read.
- Say you are worried. Do not be afraid to tell them you are frightened for their safety. Help them see what is happening, and that it is not normal, and that they deserve a relationship without violence in it.
- Say out loud that it is not their fault. Acknowledge that they are in a frightening and difficult situation. Tell them they are not on their own and that there is help.
- Listen. It may be very hard for them to talk about. What they need most is someone who believes them. Let them know you are there whenever they need you.
- Do not judge the decisions. There are many reasons people stay. They may leave and go back several times. Do not criticise and do not guilt them, because those are the moments they will need you most.
- Encourage a life outside the relationship. Friends, family, anything of their own. Isolation is the thing abuse needs to work.
- If it ends, keep showing up. Even though it was abusive, they may feel sad and lonely once it is over. They will need to grieve it and they will need you then.
- Help them build a safety plan. There is an eleven step one on this site, written by Nicole’s mum.
- Point them at people who do this for a living. Find a local domestic violence agency with counselling or a support group. Offer to go with them, to the police, to court, or to a lawyer.
- Remember you cannot rescue them. This is the hardest one. The person being hurt has to be the one who decides. What you can do is stay, believe them, and help them find a way to safety.
If you think they are in danger tonight
Call 911. You do not need their permission to call for someone whose life you think is at risk, and you do not have to be certain.
If you want to talk it through with an advocate first, the national helpline takes calls from friends and family too, not only from people being abused.
Things not to say
“Why don’t you just leave?” is the question everybody asks, and it lands as a criticism every single time. Seventy per cent of domestic violence murders happen after someone has left, so leaving is not simple and it is not safe by itself.
“I will always pick up the phone” is worth more than any advice you have.
Become aware and share
Telling one more person is the whole point
Send this page to someone. Ask Glenn and Claudia to come and speak to your school, your church or your group. That is how a silent thing stops being silent.